influence

its been harder than I thought it would be to stick to, but i’m growing.

I knew my One Word would be challenging, that it would stretch me and even make me uncomfortable at times but I knew that’s exactly what needed to happen. There isn’t a day that goes by where I’m not thinking of how my words, actions and the way I choose to live my life effect the way people see me. The people I’m surrounded with daily at work, the new people I’m meeting on a daily basis and the people who know me best, even my family. Whether each person knows me or not, I want there to be an influence. Influence given to me… how I choose to react to situations and words that I may not want to deal with or things that may be harsh to hear. Influence given to others through me… how my reaction and words can help bring some kind of peace and comfort to whatever it may be and ultimately to bring them to know and see Him better living in me.

I don’t always jump at the chance to tell my own story (which is the stretching me uncomfortable part) but am always finding that Sara’s story is all around me and sharing hers helps me find confidence in telling mine. There’s a part of me that wants to keep everything hidden from the world so I don’t have to relive it, so I don’t have to wonder if I’ll be judged or continue to judge myself. The other part (the big part) of my heart knows how the help in hearing other women’s stories have shaped me so much for the better and of how I want to be able to do the same in letting other women know they are still loved despite their circumstances. I want to tell of how I’ve been influenced by my husband’s forgiveness and unfailing love for me. I want to tell of how God brought me out of the darkness with his love, grace and mercy.

In the past months, I’ve had heartache and shared in complete joy with strangers and friends in things going on in their lives and mine. My hope is that through the growing process of learning influence and living it out, that I would only seek Him for guidance and strength through it all.

one word 365

Tags

church, influence, light

influence.

1. the capacity or power of persons or things to be a compelling force on or produce effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of others.

2. the action or process of producing effects on the actions, behavior, opinions, etc., of another or others.

3. a person or thing that exerts influence.

Over the past year, there have been things in my life that have happened that I’ve had no control over and things that I’ve had absolute control over, with each step being influenced in some way or another by people’s words, actions, spirit and love. There is no doubt in my mind that through the heartache and redemption of our marriage, that God put people in our lives to guide us to a church a year ago this week that would ultimately change our marriage and the way we live and will continue to live in His will for the better.

As I go through this year, I want to be an influence on my friends, family, community and city even more. I want to be a light that shows the reflection of His mercy, grace and love that I don’t deserve to have but have been given freely. I want to be an influence.

five minute friday: catch.

Tags

china, five minute friday, love

five minute friday…

Unscripted and unedited.

i catch myself thinking of my grandmother more and more lately. its getting harder for me to swallow that i can’t just text her (she was a texting queen) about my day, ask her random questions about the holidays (they were her favorite) or that i can’t call her to tell her about the trip that Gregory and I are taking to California soon to go to all the places she loved most.

It wasn’t this hard 10 years ago when my grandfather died, at least I don’t remember it being this hard… maybe i was too young to know how it would effect me, because it happened so fast that I didn’t get the chance to internalize what was going to happen or maybe it was and i was just sure to keep myself busy every minute of everyday so i wouldn’t really have to deal with it.

Either way i know that i have to wake up everyday and make a choice. I have to make the choice as i’m catching myself thinking of them, that I let God catch me and fill me with his comfort, love and grace. I haven’t reached the point since she’s passed of asking God why, because i know why, but i do ask Him for His understanding and to help me see how everything is working for good, for His greater purpose through each and every feeling that i’ve been dealing with ever since knowing she was sick and for understanding how to show His love to others even when I don’t want to. Its hard. Probably the hardest group of emotions that i’ve ever had to deal with at once but i know that i’m not alone in any of it though it may seem like it sometimes.

A dear friend that i traveled with in China and lived with always told the person she was missing, whether they were present or not, outloud that she missed them. she told me that when she said it that even though they couldn’t hear it, they would be able to feel it. i find myself at least 3 times a day saying “I miss you Mima” hoping that she knows and that God knows to catch me in that moment is when i need Him the most.

#choosejoy

In remembering Sara, an amazing woman who I’ve never met but have known for almost two years, I chose and will continue to choose joy because she did and so many others will because of her.

my One Word… finally.

refined – adj.

1. freed or free from coarseness, vulgarity, etc.: refined taste. 2. freed from impurities: refined sugar. 3. very subtle, precise or exact. refined distinctions. 4. precise to a fine degree.

synonyms: polished, processed, genteel, clarified, distilled, purified.

I’ve been struggling to find my OneWord… not because i can’t come up with a word, but because i have a struggle focusing on one. my word took my by surprise, i was expecting something completely different- still, brave, open, healed or changed- but i realized before i can be committed to any of those words, i have to first be refined.

I know in my heart of hearts that to be refined, i need to get rid of all of the junk in my life that keeps my mind and heart from doing so- and it’s not just a need but a MUST. i want to be the woman again that i was after my summers spent in China- not needing anything but the bare necessities and Jesus. i was refined in a way that i didn’t think (and i’m sad to say that i don’t think some of my friends did either) was ever possible. when i was there, i didn’t need all of the worldly things that i think i’ll die without today, i wasn’t afraid to talk about Jesus in fear that i would lose friends and i wasn’t afraid to talk about my life before Jesus. i was refined because of Him.

I’m still not afraid to talk about Jesus in fear that i’ll lose friends, but I do speak more softly than I used to in fear that I will step on toes or not be as PC as i should be in presenting it all. I still don’t need all of the worldly things that I thought i did 5 years ago, though i do give in to the occasional mani/pedi and i still love being waited on at restaurants. I’m still not afraid to talk about my life before i knew, really knew Jesus, but i am terrified to tell my story about all of the things i have done against Him, my friends and husband after knowing and trying to live my life for Him. I am terrified because i don’t think i am as strong as i would like to be as some other women are that i find completely amazing in telling it all.

I want to eventually tell my story, as so many women have, to be able to say “Look! If I can come out of this and still have the love and forgiveness and mercy of Jesus, you can too!”. I want to live my life again without saying i have any fear- free from coarseness and vulgarity, without looking at my rearview mirror constantly, without the weight of not forgiving myself knowing that He has forgiven me- free from impurities, and without holding back.  i want to constantly go forward, i want to be the girl who blasted Barlow Girl in my bedroom while worshipping with my roomates, i want everything i do to be precise to a fine degree because of Him… i want to be refined.

i’m quite the blogger…

im never quite sure what to write about. there are so many things that go through my mind that they all become jumbled when i go to say them outloud (my ADD really doesn’t help that either) or write about them.

We went to a new church today, and I have to say it was exactly what i needed. the pastor, Brandon Hatmaker, told us when worship started that there was not a single person who walked through the doors that wasn’t supposed to be there. he said that it was not a mistake in us choosing to go there because God had exactly what we needed in store for us to hear. i would say he hit the nail on the head, hard.

we went right into worship and soon after got into the book of Romans. it was SO refreshing to hear, not just to listen but to hear. there are so many questions that i have everyday in regards to living like Christ and not only living like Christ but how i am to be living like Christ in a body of believers, and how i am to live like Him through all of the things i have done against Him knowingly.

he also talked about being among a group of pastors who had prayed the prayer of salvation and how long it was between that time that they truly surrendered themselves to the Lord to live their lives for Him (another hit to my nail). in that moment, i calculated how long it took me between the time i had recieved Christ and when i had really really surrendered my life to him- 10 years. sometimes i wonder if my failings have reverted me back to those 10 years in which i was a wandering Christian, going through all of the motions i was supposed to (going to church, being a part of youth groups, etc.) but not really living my life for Him. i know that i am broken, i know that i am constantly asking Him for grace and mercy in all of my short comings, i know that i don’t seek Him like i am supposed to in all aspects of my life. i also know that he is a God who loves me, who is telling me to trust in Him so that i can be whole again, that He has given and will continue to give me mercy and grace and that when i don’t seek Him in everything, His will will be done no matter what.

i dont want to squander anymore. i dont want to have the worries of the world upon my shoulders knowing that He has already taken them from me. i want the life He has chosen for me to live because i know it is so much better than anything i could have planned.

as i go through the year, i also want to know that i am a part of something that glorifies His kingdom through the body of Christ that i am a part of, in my own life and marriage, and through the church that God puts us in that we can call home.

moving right along.

I’ve never understood God’s love or my husbands love for me as I have in these past two weeks. I’ve also never been more thankful to have a best friend who not only understands the exact things I’m going through but who has stood by me through all of my wrongs without thinking twice about it.

My husband told me (a few weeks ago) that he loves me more now than he did the night before we decided to save our marriage, and that there was nobody and will never be anybody who loves me more than he does besides God. In those exact moments a flood of emotion came over me that was something I had never quite known or felt before- being scared out of my skin, relief, anxiousness (the good kind), learning what it was to be fearful of God and the trust that I’d never fully given my husband before that I was more than wanting to put on a silver platter for him. Yes, I love the Lord and go to church and pray everyday but my trust in Him wasn’t what it needed to be. I don’t like to burden people with my problems or wants or even needs- I like being a helper and friend, not the person needing anything- therefore I try to do things (basically everything) on my own. Realizing that I can’t do it (life), or try anything and everything on my own, I finally cried out to the Lord (more than I ever have in my life) more in the past two weeks and I’ve never felt the freedom that I have in asking for so much in so many ways, knowing that He is our provider and He is our helper in time of need.

I am beyond any words that can describe my love for my husband and for the Lord and am so unbelievably thankful and lucky that I get to spend the rest of my life with the peace of knowing He is in control of it all.